21 Types Of People Who Ruin Every Pickup Basketball Game
When it comes to having a good time, playing pickup basketball is as much of a sure thing as you can get in life.
Sure, we loving watching our favorite professionals do their thing on the court, but nothing, absolutely nothing, beats the thrill of victory in a tightly contested game of pickup basketball.
It is pure ecstasy.
But there are many ways that this seemingly un-ruinable experience can be ruined, namely by certain types of people.
You dread playing with them, you try to avoid having to pick them, but, eventually, you have to deal with them.
If you love playing the game at the recreational level, you’ll know what this is all about. Here are the 21 types of people you hate playing basketball with:
Running shoes guy
Nothing’s worse than when you can see a sprained ankle coming from miles away and the one who it’s actually going to happen to can’t see it.
Unreasonably sweaty guy
How can you possibly be motivated to play proper post defense if it means looking like a glazed donut afterward?
The fact that this guy has no idea what a foul is makes it that much more difficult to explain why you just can’t clothesline a man driving through the lane
No basketball IQ guy
So you can’t wrap your head around the idea of setting a pick, tolerate the team passing more than five times during one possession or make a good cut, but you can shoot contested jumpers from 20 feet? Cool.
Fresh gear guy
There’s arguably no better way to make a mockery of your own fresh pair of high-tech goggles, extra sweat-resistant head band, Allen Iverson-esque sleeve, some brand new LeBrons and Nike elite socks than by going up for a layup like “iceman” from “Along Came Polly.”
There’s something annoyingly ironic about the “toughest” guy in the gym not being able to take a mildly rough foul at the basket without catching feelings and trying to start a fight. “Here we go again.”
There is absolutely nothing more disappointing than being paired with a player who’s 6’7″ and then learning he can’t jump over a phonebook after you’ve already envisioned throwing a dozen alley-oops to him.
There’s a lot of funny things that can happen during a pickup game. A lot. But they usually happen on their own. Few things are worse than the guy who consistently trying to make a joke out of the game that you’re trying to win.
Two words: C’mon bro.
“I don’t even ball” guy
“I don’t even ball” he tells you, as if that somehow reverses the shame of him going 0-7 on your team.
Late call guy
So we’re supposed to act like you totally didn’t have five seconds to watch your shot rim in and out before calling that foul?
No defense guy
The worse thing about these guys is that the only time they’ll get defensive is when you call them out for playing no defense.
The premature celebrator
You know this guy, the one who celebrates before the game’s even been won. The guy who’s piercing your ear with LET’S GOOOOOOOOOs and YEAHHHHHHs. Yeah, that one. Annoying.
The sore loser
On second thought, you have to give these guys credit for having the creativity to come up with so many reasons as to why your win was somehow illegitimate.
Deceptively bad guy
He looked like he had skill. He went up like he had skill. He moved around the court like he had skill. These things begin to baffle you more throughout the game as you learn he has no actual skill.
Deceptively good guy
I have no explanation for how ol’ four eyes with the Starburys is killing it during your intramural game, either.
These guys wouldn’t be so bad to deal with if they could actually take some heat themselves. As life proves constantly, though, those who dish it most can rarely take it.
The ball hog
These players have just enough skill so you can’t say they suck. You just wish you didn’t have to jump up and down waving your arms for them to pass you the ball as they contemplate taking on three men in the paint.
Know it alls
The game has barely started. You’ve never played with this guy before. And all the sudden he tells you when to post up, where to set screens — basically everything short of grabbing a whistle and telling you to start running suicides.
Hey, when the international rules of pickup games are changed to allow for coaches, I’ll let you know. For now? Kick rocks.
This is just a no-win situation for you. Either you play relaxed and allow your boys to laugh at you while you get a whole bunch of hook shots hit in your face or you play hard and risk breaking one of their bones.
Zero stamina guy
If you’re under 25 and can’t run a full-court game… something’s wrong.